What is this, I don't even...

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m trying my best but it doesn’t seem to ever be enough.
I don’t know what to think when there are so many different ends to this string.
He wants space but doesn’t want me to leave. He’s pushing me away but doesn’t want me to go.
He tells me everything is wrong then tells me everything will be ok in the end.
He tells me all these things and is surprised when I’m upset.
He’s surprised and upset that I’m upset.
Baby whats wrong, whats the matter.
Oh nothing besides the fact he made me feel like this relationship wasn’t possibly going anywhere in the future.
Sometimes I feel like we’re completely incompatible, but sometimes I feel like I couldn’t picture my life without him.
Is this some kind of masochistic joke I’m pulling on my own emotions?
Is it love or just a yearning for something that’s intangible.
Do I love him or is it just the game of trying to get him to love me, then when he does will I get bored?
He says he cares, his actions say he cares, but sometimes I don’t think he cares.
I would marry him in a heartbeat, but would I just be signing myself up for more of this shit.
He’s been let down by everyone else in his life and I feel like he’s not giving me any benefit of the doubt because of it. I don’t just feel it, I know that’s exactly what’s happening.
Everything seems to be fine until we talk about our relationship, then all the shit he really thinks come out, some of it I understand, some of it hurts.
Like how he said..
He likes a girlfriend he only sees 2 or 3 times a week, he feels like he doesn’t have any space.
But I shouldn’t take that personally. It’s nothing against me.
He thinks sex is boring, he doesn’t know if its his fault or mine.
But I shouldn’t take that personally either, its nothing against me.
He’s emotionally dead and doesn’t care about anything anymore.
But somehow I’m trying to believe he cares about me.
Everything he does tells me he cares, but when he says things like that my heart sinks.
I don’t know what to think when I’m getting such extreme mixed signals and no solid conclusions from him about how he feels about us.
He says things will get better when we get a house.
And if they don’t then we’ll work through them.
I hope he’s right.
This morning he’s fine, I’m shitty.
He does his cute things to cheer me up, tells me to stop being all sad.
I can’t help but feel sad when I feel like something I care so much about is slipping through my hands.
How am I supposed to feel when I have no idea what’s going to happen with us in the future.
I’ve never been so emotionally confused in my life.

Insomiatic rantings.

Mood: LOLOLOLFFFUCCCCCCKMYSLEEEEP

So it's almost 9 in the morning. I can't sleep. We're supposed to pick up Kollyn at noon, which we have to wake up at 11 for. SOOOO FUCK SLEEPING TONIGHT BRO!

Kollyn's gonna hate me for saying this but. I just spewed out a fanart, in 2 hours. OF HIS FAVORITEST PERSON. David Bowie.




Hehehe...

.. Kollyns the only person that reads this anyways.. *SIGH*..

Oh so on the topic of.. Random.
I'm kinda annoyed by THOSE kind of religious people..
Who on facebook or myspace, under "Heroes" Is Jesus or God.
Or who in like ever status update, there is something about Jesus or God in it..

My friend was saying "Oh well lord forbid they speak freely on a public media" but that's NOT the point.

The point being, go ahead, believe in something like God, if it makes your life feel more whole, but to say he's your Hero? I mean... come on..

I mean it's not like I post status updates all the time, talking about some random thought I have in my head, that relates to the non-existence of deities or anything..

Bored..

Mood: *SIGH*

Doing a research paper on Philosophers..

I honestly stunned my teacher, when I told him who I was doing my paper on..

Imagine this; Everyone in the class is retarded, knows NOTHING about Philosophy or thinking on their own.
Everyone in class is pretty much doing their paper on Plato, Socrates, and Aristole.

BECAUSE THEY'RE IN THE TEXT BOOK WE READ OUT OF

I about made my teacher shit his pants, when I said I was doing mine on Francis Bacon, Renè Descartes and Sigmund Freud.

Jesus

So I've been working on this. Honestly research papers are just too easy.. Find something, copy paste it to your essay, then slap an authors name on it. A+ 4 U!

Stuff like that is really depressing when you realize that everyone around you seems to be about 50% dumber than you.
All they care about is Myspace, Facebook, and CLOTHES AND SHOES..

fawk.

So um.

Mood:idfk

I think I have a problem.

Had another David Bowie dream..

Oh dear.

My keys!

HOLY SHIT U GUIZ!

My D & S keys ran away!

Help me find them!

My A key seems to have cancer, it's dying slowly.

Im pretty sure...

Mood: Sultry

That I had a dream about almost, or maybe actually, having sex with someone who looked suspiciously like, or was David Bowie.

(I really hate when I have GOOD dreams and can't remember shit about them when I wake up...)

Sadly he wasn't dressed as Jareth..

Mmmmm.

I need to share this. With the world.

Mood: Rofl.

Earlier tonight I was on vent with my wow-nerd friends. And we got into this conversation of what would one of them look like, if they were a female.
So he requested that someone make a picture of it.
I grabbed my tablet and ...


Doing this no matter how joyful it was in my head, couldn't be joyful in laugher, because Matt was asleep.
I literally had to take breaks from drawing it, so I wouldn't laugh my ass off every time I zoomed into the face.
I slipped a few times.

Also earlier than that, my friend Kollyn told us that our friend Josh was attempting to grow out a beard.. I laughed my ass off, because this kid looks like harry potter. So i did this...

Last night was epic win.

Found this on 4chan.

" I want to play a game...

rules are simple.

1. Make an IMDB account
2.Goto twillight saga New Moon
3.give it 1 star
4.???
5.PROFIT"

Did so.
Checked the ratings.



Such silly things bring such joy when sleep deprived.

Derp.
Then I find this. Which I think adds more hilarity to "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way."



.. I hate my friends sometimes..

Vampire movies -- The small rant.

Mood: lulwut

So it seems that no matter how old or new or good a movie is. If it's about vampires, half the time, SOMETHING is just not right.

Twilight -- Just fucks everything about vampires up, lets not go into that.


I just watched a 1974 movie Blood for Dracula. It started off promising, Dracula goes to Italy to find a virgin bride etc etc. Towards the end of the movie, the slutty servant boy, who is the reason 3 of the 4 daughters aren't virgins realizes he's a vampire, and chases him around with an axe..
Problem 1: Hes fucking Dracula, not once did he attempt to defend himself.
Problem 2: .. Hes Dracula...
Problem 3: ...
So this servant boy ends up killing dracula, even after he fed off the only virgin daughter in the house, and you'd think "Oh well he'd have all his strength back. NAWP!..

So the movie ends, with Dracula and the newly turned vampire girl, both dead. And me raging.

Epic facepalm.

Derp. Updates whats that?

Mood: Bored

Really bad with this blogging crap. Um.

^That bear is supposed to be clapping damnit.

So lately nothing really going on besides WoW, School and Drawing. Should probably post some newer stuff, or links to newer stuff on my art blog.
Nothing really boggling my mind as of late. Only real stimulating conversations I have is with my friend Kollyn, recently talking about all the stupid shit we've done, relationship wise in the past. Super fun, always fun to remember what a cold hearted bitch I can be :)

Oh there is something I can rant about.
Tuesday at school I'm in this "ethics" class. Really just a dumb way to put Philosophy into business ethics and shit like that.

So anyways..

The teacher decides to have us all write our personal philosophies down. Stuff we really feel strongly about. I of course write about me being Atheist and hating it when extreme religious people find it out, and try their damnedest to convert me, with the same shit I've read in the bible (which I've read 3 times believe it or not) and just over and over, preaching "the good word" whatever.
So we get into groups of 6, to talk about our philosophies to our classmates - which is just great because I only know one girl in the class, and shes just an acquaintance, if that - So, we get through the first girls, second girl, is one of those kind..

She starts off by saying that "Everyone should learn the word of the lord" and I'm thinking "Oh here we fucking go"
So after about 10 minutes of her preaching to everyone in the class it seems - cas shes that fucking loud about it. It gets to the other girl, my acquaintance. She gets done with hers, and OOPS group times up. Great. At least I didn't have to say mine and have Christ-girl trying to convert me for the rest of the class.



Not like I wouldn't have given her theory of God a run for its money by any means, I've had a lot of practice debunking and disproving most shit Christians decide to throw at me.

She started going on with the shit I usually hear, blaming lack of religion taught in schools, blaming programs on television and music videos on MTV for being a few reasons why there "Isn't enough love for God anymore"

Then she says something that absolutely blows my mind...

She starts blaming things like Astrology and Horoscopes to being some causes for lack of faith.

Excuse me? Last time I checked, astrology and horoscopes were hobbies, whether or not someone likes to believe that who they are can be explained by the revolutions of a certain planet is up to them. I'm not sure about you, but I sure as hell have never heard of any wars breaking out over Cancers and Libra's over whose planet is better.

Longer time no rant huh?

In thought

Well being busy with school work but mostly World of Warcraft it's to be expected.
As boring as it sounds really nothing super huge has happened since I last updated. Which is a sad thing on its own really.
Not too sure really why I don't do much. Perhaps its the lack of a social life, seeing as how ever since I graduated highschool I've hung out with the same maybe 7 people.. In the past 2 years now.

Been playing WoW mostly, maybe too much, but it really doesn't matter.
My guild keeps me amused so I can't complain.

Other than that I'm still floating in what seems like a meaningless drift through life.
God I thought college would've been more fun.

Long time no update..

Mood: Cold.. It's actually cold in Florida D:<

I know
I've been busy
Started playing WoW again.. Got to 80 and everything so not ALL of my time is being eaten up now.
I got a new mouse today
Razer Death Adder.
It's pretty hot.
Other than that not much has actually happened, it's been pretty boring around here. :P

Kind of update

Mood: Freezing

Obviously there hasnt been to much to complain about going on.
School
D&D
World of Warcraft
Shit like that.
Twilight came out yesturday and I was raging all day, because it's a horrid book series and the author is a complete dingbat


Those explain it all.

Meh

Mood: Ehhh...

I duno what it is, but I've just been feeling like crap lately.
Maybe it's all the stuff going on with my parents and money.
Maybe it's because I feel like I'm being ignored or I did something ignore worthy to some people.
I duno.
All I know is it sucks.

Anime Supercon

Mood: Fucking awesome.

Was fucking awesome.
Let's go day by day of what happened.
Oct. 31
Friday: Around 11:30 Spencer shows up, we pack all of our stuff in the back of Matts car and make our way to pick up Nathan. Filled up on gas for 2.39 and got some drinkage and food, and headed off down I-4. About 2 hours into the drive, I had to go potty, so we went of this exit that supposidly had a gas station.. about 5 miles down the road @_@ so that was about a 20 minute detour, Matt road over that parking stopper, and fucked his bumper, which later down I-95 we had to stop and fix with Duct tape.
We mad it to the hotel at around 6 pm, we got our room, unpacked, me and Matt got FREE weekend passes just for having a hotel room, which ruled.
We got the present we made for Steve, and found him in the Artist Room, and gave him his present ( A koala in a box with a bottle of Baileys behind it. He had Heather (his helper) take pictures of his reactions, this is the best one:

We hung out with Steve, went to the dealers room, and had fun before going back up to the room.
Spencer had bought a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka before the trip. Nathan and Spencer ended up drinking it all themselves (me and Matt didn't really like the taste) That night was the first time ever Nathan got drunk. He's a funny drunk. The rest of the night he was ranting and speaking in rhymes like poetry, we took him down to the gaming room and he played some guitar hero, he's pretty good at it when he's drunk.
We finally got him to get to sleep at around 3am

Nov 1.
Saturday - We woke up around noon, I got dressed in my usual con get up (my black dickies dress, fishnet stockings, my goggles, and pigtails) We headed down to see Steve again, and he almost didn't recognize me, and was like "Oh wow *jaw on floor*" We went to see the Aqua Teen Hunger Force panel, and got to see sneak peeks of 2 NEW episodes of ATHF. Fuckin awesome. Around 6 Steve had a panel, which we all thought had been canceled, but 2 minutes before the Panel, Larry (one of the staff members) was like "Steve we gotta get you to your panel!" So being on short notice, Steve asked us if we could watch his panel for him, we were kinda bummed we didn't get to see his panel, but he was very grateful that we did.

After he got back we hung out some more, til someone, damn I forget the guys name Richard I think, wanted to take Steve to dinner, so he was like "Give me your number, and I'll give you a call, and we'll hang out and party"
Around 1am, we all figured he forgot to call, so we started to go to sleep. Right when I was almost asleep at 2am, Steve calls saying he was at room 1233, which was right down from us cas we were in 1220, and said to come over, cas there was a party going on. We ended up getting into what looked like a VIP party with most of the staff and a few guest stars there too. We get there and it's a medium size room with about 30 people in it, I wasn't able to go up to the bar for drinks, but Steve and Spencer made sure I tasted atleast a few of the best ones they had there.
Steve wanted to go back to his room with us all to drink some of the Bailey's we got him. But he wanted milk to put in it.
We walked 6 blocks to the gas station (in downtown Miami) to get some milk (he wanted icecream for it too but they didnt have any) We got back after walking another 6 blocks back to the hotel. I went back to the room (matt and nathan were in the our room getting stuff) and I Steve was like "Yea get some cups from the bar and we'll head out". So I was going up to the bar, and heard this guys talking about the fact that "Frylock" was over at the other end of the room, trying to pick up some ugly chick, and I kinda intervened and was like "Yea I totally got a picture of that" And I duno HOW drunk these guys were but they followed me around the room until we all left, I didn't care cas I knew if he tried anything, Matt, Nathan, Spencer, AND Steve would've been on their asses like white on rice.
So we start walking to the room, and guess whose coming to hang out with us. Fucking Tommy Yune from Robotech. Holy fuck.
We got to see Frylock go into his room with the ugly chick from the party. Lol.
We get to the room and Heather answers the door thinking it was just Steve, and she was in her towel, saw all of us and was like "OMFG!" It was hilarious.
So we hung out with Tommy and Steve from 2am to 6am, talking about Speed Racer, Superman, Star Wars, Full Metal Jacket, all kinds of funny shit, drank some Baileys, and had a great time, til we realized what time it was and that we all had to be up early the next morning. Back to our room we went, and went to sleep.

Nov 2.
Sunday - Last day of the con, we woke up, packed our stuff, had some ramen for breakfast and checked out of our room. After putting all of our shit in the car we found Steve again, and hung out with him til we had to go, Matt and Nathan made random trips to the vendors room, where Nathan found Book 9 of Hellsing a week before it was supposed to be released, and got it for Matt as a late birthday present, and 2 more of this manga we discovered called Sundome, and some swords.
While there a bunch of people stopped by to say hey, Frylock stopped by, I was standing at the time and he was like "Oh a leash, let me see that" So I handed him my leash, and he drug me around the table like he was walking off with me and said "I'll be taking this" and laughing I just said "I guess I'll see you guys on the next episode of ATHF" Everyone had a laugh at that.

But that time came when we had to get going. So we took some goodbye pictures.


I asked Steve to draw me again (the drawing in the above picture) And we headed out. But not before Nathan had to run back to Steve's table cas I forgot Matt's keys >_<;.

Parking for the weekend ended up being 60 fucking dollars, instead of like 48 like we thought, and Matt had 75 bucks on his card, and used the other 15 for gas.
50 miles down I-95 Matt got off at an exit and had me switch driving places with him, I had to get gas while Nathan got us all some McDonalds to snack on.
After abour 3 or 4 hours we made it back home and just died.

So this weekend was pretty fucking 1337. I'm glad we went, even though now we're all poor.

Omg Im so fucking pissed

So last night, my friends Fiance messages me on myspace, says he can get me a job making sweet cash I was like "Cool" So he tells me to meet him at this place in Orange city at noon. I get there everything seems cool. I get told I'm driving, so I'm like "K sure" I get 5 bucks of gas money, then get told "We're going to winter spings, just follow Gary" Ok, weird but ok. So we get there, (basically this job was AT&T people walking around selling AT&T which is usually the kind of people I consider the scum of the earth, so when I first realized that I was basically out anyways, but I figured, shouldn't be too long of a day then we'll just elave, I was wrong)
We hit about 3 neighborhoods.. 6 hours.
I was walking for 6 hours.. In high heel boots, cas I was told, business casual.
6 hours..
We had a half an hour break for lunch, WHICH I had to pay for myself, not even knowing I had to bring money with me in the first place. So i had A HAMBURGER
not cheesebuger HAMBURGER 89 fucking cents.
So after lunch was walking for another hour or so TIL WE GET FUCKING PULLED OVER BY A COP
Yes, a cop stopped us, and basically said, if you dont have a permit, you can't do this, you keep doing it, and I'm going to fine you.
I dont even work for these fucks and theyre getting me in trouble.
Now if that isnt the icing on the cake what is right?
NO
I have to drive all the way back you to Deltona, so Varney ( my friend who got me the "interview") could make his only sale of the day to his sister in law Tasha.. THEN
I have to drive from where PINE RIDGE HIGHSCHOOL IS, back to Orange City.
I go in, take their stupid fucking test. Guy comes back in and says "Sorry we're only looking for full time"
I FUCKING TOLD YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DAY I HAVE SCHOOL SO I CAN'T WORK FULL TIME!!!! WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE TOLD ME NO 9 HOURS AGO!
So I get that big fat no, I walk out to my car, and I shit you not, just starting balling, and crying for 10 minutes, because I literally felt like I had just been raped of my time.
I have blisters on my feet, and I just wasted my entire fucking day, doing something that was getting me nothing but 5 bucks of gas money. I'm so fucking pissed.

Long time no blog

Mood: ugh.

Not to much has really happened.
Still don't know whats going on with my parents and what not..
My D&D character died on Saturday
We're just barely going to be making it to Anime Supercon this weekend.
Fun times.

So for all of you that actually read this

Mood: Just going in a downward spiral.

My dad has been offered a job in New York. There's more than a 90% chance my parents will be moving there (with my sister of course).. Business is better up there for mechanics apparently. Which is good because it's shit down here.
Me and Matt are choosing to stay here, mostly for college reasons and such.. But now that puts more stress on me now than ever, because we have to find a place to live, more than likely even people to live with us to split rent and such..
And I have no idea when this is actually going to happen, 2 weeks from now or 2 months from now I have no idea... I don't know what we're going to do.
To be honest I'm scared. I've never had to be away from my parents for more than 3 days, and now they're moving to a completely different state. I'll have no family (other than maybe matt's parents) to fall back on if we fall into a financial runt.
I always thought I'd be the one moving out of state and leaving my parents behind...
It's all very depressing.. I know it's because of the shit economy but I can't help but think that some of this is my fault for going to college while the economy is doing terrible.. Even though I'm going on my own loans, it's really gas that's killing us.. And ever since my mom quit her job and hasn't been able to find a new one yet, of course it's been even more stressful..

I really don't know what's going to happen.. I guess all I can do is hope that things work out..

It all just seems like I would be better off jumping off a bridge..
It's always funny when I get like this..
There hasn't been a year in my life that I don't have one day I just think about ending all of it.. Life is too stressful.. I don't even belong in this century! No one understands me no one understands what art even is anymore, this is a world I don't feel like I should be a part of.. I think I was reincarnated from a Renaissance sophisticate and this world bothers and upsets me. I can't stand people who can think a red dot on a piece of paper is worth 50 thousand dollars. I can't do it..
It seems like I live in my own fantasy world where all the things I wish were real are real when I close my eyes.. As silly as it may sound I want nothing more than for things in fantasy to be real, dragons, fairies, elves whatever. Something to make the world seem more beautiful.
This world is ugly. It's full of ugly people, rotten people who do anything for a dollar.
Love and Art are the only reasons fueling my engine of Living.
Without those I would die.

So tired...

Mood: La la la don't care

Srsly.
I had like the weirdest dream last night, that I have no idea why, but it scared the shit out of me.
Like.. There was this ball of light, that would randomly appear, and if you looked at it (with your eyes open of course) you just fucking died, instantly. So like if you saw a light, you had to close your eyes and like keep them closed til the noise it made went away and it was gone. I had no idea why that scared me so bad, but I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep for like 40 minutes. Then I fell back to sleep and FUCKING CONTINUED THE DREAM. I hate that shit. Why can't GOOD dreams ever continue like that?
Fuck.

And of course on a day I have to wake up at 7am to go to school. And as always fucking english class ever lets out early.. Ever.

Ugh.
I'm so ready for the weekend already.

Blargz

Mood: School's lame.

I don't wanna go to school.
I'm fucking tired as shit..

I leave in like 15 minutes, and I'm not even dressed yet.